#113 - what if's

yet another random post
after yet another sleppless night..
heck.. maybe i should seek help.. soon!!!!

anyway..
was browsing thru pics, videos and other stuffs
bit's and parcels of what peeps pronounce as memories
the past, flashbacks

then this miniscule brain of mine suddenly functions (for once)
why would peeps want to look back into time, their past, history
it is indeed no longer their story.. it's his' story
belonging to their old self
and u know it as much as i do
we no longer are the our old self
we evolved, we changed, we grew

i might be biased and dun get me wrong
i really like my past.. my footprints
i do believe i have a great background, prelude to what i am now
just that nagging WHAT IF'S questions
really really hate it
it's as if i'm not content with what i have now
questioning every move i used to take
every path throdden by these legs
come on.. move on already
next page.. next chapter

but whenever i looked back
there it is
the monster of WHAT IF'S
lurking down the alley
blocking the path to 'the tomorrow'
leading u to an endless roundabouts and u-turns

denise tot me something once
there's no more u-turns
there shouldn't be
even if u made a mistake, just take a tiny step back
reflect then move on!!!
(couldn't believe i'm taking que's from a bimbo potatohead)

now i really cannot sleep..

have to admit, i loved the 'WHAT IF'S' box
with it u can be anything u want, with just the 'right' choice
u can be a superstar! a great lover! an awesome architect!
a pianist! anyone! just anyting u would ever imagine
but this BOX shall remained closed
cause nothing good can ever come out off it
the pandora box!!

screw me for thinking of such nonsense
mind you, i never reviewed my previous post
write write write -- publish
which explains all the rubbish i've posted before

now that i mentioned it, there's nothing 'wise' about me projecting out of this chunk of hot stuff
crap crap crap
what if i'm a lil' wiser?
what if i can be a lil' smarter?
what if i'm a lil' less socially retarded?

~

ask me again in 10 years time
i dun think i wan/can answer that now

memories are there to remind u of ur old self
not to predict what u could be in the future
it is there to let u know that u used to be better/worse
so u can do someting to change it
memoirs are there to make u aware that u were once a somebody
apart of this somebody u call self
(what philisophical crap is that!!!)

all i know.. i dun like the what if's question

i'm the servant of the Almighty
serving HIS cause
looking back on mistakes
an ardent student of non-repetiting cycle

~but so far i failed?

i am indeed... a lengzhai ;p