strength

"i have MS, but MS doesn't have me!"

the highlight of the week for me

one week back to calgary
low morale, missing home, jet-lagged (tho i still think i'm jet-lag-proof;p)
missing 2 days of school
beleaguered
feeling stoopid as usual,

those words woke me up like an alarm clock, buzzing with excitement in the wee hours of a perfect morning

it was on a lazy wednesday morning,
i was asked by my preceptor to perform the MOCA (MONTREAL COGNITIVE ASSESSMENT) and the MINI MENTAL STATUS examination on a patient
for a minimum of an hour
(~was not even taught properly to do so too!!! - yeah i'm a slacker)
and we, a core team of 5, were divided in pairs..
and i was singled out to do it on my own because i'm too lengzhai to be paired that day.. :l (lol)
so i went in to the examination room, painstalkingly cursing my lack of knowledge on things at hand

there sat a timid middle aged women
well into her 40's
looking very calm and yet tired in a way

being an honest stud (:p) i started the interview with:
"to begin with, i have no clue whatsoever on what we are supposed to be doing today, so bear with me yeah?"
to which she replied:
"it's ok, neither do i. let's just pretend that u know ur stuffs and we'll see how it goes yeah? i'm just happy that i can help students like u to help me!"
a burst of laughter and off we went into the wilderness (lol)

we went thru the whole thing as smooth as a well ironed up shirt
was actually surprised at my own achievement
plus a negative results - which is good news to her as well
all in all, a yay day for us

we finished quite early (wayyyyy too early..)
i get bored quite easily, can't help it, i'm a restless bugger
so, being a social retard a started asking questions about any random things
kinda like a random unorganized history
then came the key moment, i asked her to show me her perscription
she stood up, walked to her purse with a slight unstable gait
but she tried her best to mask it

questions after questions
then she told me that she's not supposed to tell me that she have Multiple Sclerosis
~that darn preceptor of mine trying to outwit me hey!!! haha
then we talked quite a bit about the disease and how she's handling it
the natural history etc etc

then guilt ran down my spine
i didn't know that hte MOCA and mini mental assessment was quite taxing on her
and to even walk a bit would squished the living daylight outta her
but still she tried to hide it.. putting on the 'i'm normal make-up'
apologizing repeatedly, (altho that's a norm for me coz everytime i take histroy i used the "i'm sorry but..." charm) we continue on chatting bout how the disease is affecting her life
trained by the calgary-cambridge guideline, i asked the "what are your main concerns" to end the session

to which she replied after a long pause and a sad look on her face:

"well to tell you the truth, i have millions concern bout what lays ahead, coz i have a cousin who, unfortunately, got the severe spectrum of this disease.. every single day is a worry to me, a struggle. but i tried not to think about it. i tried to move on with what i have.. make the best out of everything.. my family, they've been so great to me all these years and i dun wan to hold them down. i wan them to FEEL life, to have their own LIFE..
it was during one of my rehab sesssion that i realized how selfish i was.. she asked me about THE CHAIR, then i retaliated, "i dun need a chair.. i can walk fine on my own!!!! then she asked me "when was ur last visit to the zoo with ur family?" i said, "a couple of years ago..." with clairvoyance before i stopped dead there.. "a few years ago...", "a few years ago!!!!".... i was holding my family back.. i'm the one with the disease but they are the one suffering from it!! then, i got the chair.. with THE CHAIR, i was able... we were able to be like a family again.. to travel.. to go to museums, my husband always wanted to go the europe, and with THE CHAIR he was able to do it with me.. and life have been good to me ever since..
my mother, she was diagnosed with diabetes, and being old, she never did fall into the habit of taking her meds, she just lived on, happily with her family around her.. until the disease almost took her legs.. but she;s in a better place now, before the disease took over her.. she's definately in a better place right now.. definately..
that's what i learnt from my mother...

I HAVE MS, BUT MS DOESN'T HAVE ME!!!

with a knock on the door from my preceptor, signalling the end of the session,
i thanked her with teary eyes, (i said teary eyes, i didn't cried!!! that's a statement)
all my respect to her strength and courage
taking human will to another level
for the benefit of others

to end it all she said:
"no, no, no, i should be thanking you instead, you are helping the likes of me with all kinds of conditions.. learn from me and other too.. study well.. may the world be a better place then with people like you. thank you.. i really enjoyed talking to you.. it was nice of u to remind me why i must fight on.. you should too, no matter how hard life eating u, just hold on and things will be ok... thank you.."

as she slowly dragged herself out of the room
all i can do is watch (fool!!! go and help her!!!)
and
savour a human spirit, kindered with self sacrifice and strength
in a fragile body
but a much more wonderful core than mine

sigh~

living with MS for 20years now with no sign of remission



multiple sclerosis is an inflammatory demyelinating disorder of the central nerve system defined by episodes disseminated in time and neuroanatomical lesion

p/s: when i was explaining to the patients about the test and how it's going to progress, due to some irritating question within the assessment, i tried to apologized beforehand by saying:
"some of these questions and tasks might be a lil' bit odd and repetitive, so please do not be... (a pause)... pissed ok?"
luckily i had built 'some' rapport.. otherwise i would be on the next flight back to malaysia if she were to report my 'language apt-ness' lol